Don't Get Stepped On!
Healing from a Godzilla Mother
Joe Moncarz November 2022
First of all, a godzilla mother, like the fictional monster, is not necessarily a “bad” person. They are extremely dangerous, yes, and they often step on and squash innocent people underneath their large, reptilian feet, but I hesitate with the label “bad.” (Lizard feet are actually pretty cool.) They no doubt have goodness somewhere within them, but it's buried very, very deep, underneath shitloads of negativity and darkness. Godzilla mothers are a product of civilization, they were created by their culture and by their parents, and they can't help but leave a path of destruction wherever they go. That's who they are, they have trouble caring about anyone else, and they are unable to stop themselves
Or, if you like, you can call such a mother “high-conflict.” “High-conflict” is the polite way of describing such people, like “drama queen” and “attention whore” - but not as good (or as fun) a metaphor like Godzilla.
Being born to a high-conflict mother is a very rough break. It's like being born into a war-torn country. You didn't do anything to deserve that situation, but there you are. It's really tough, because we're all heavily shaped and influenced by our mothers, even before we're born. We unconsciously pick up habits and mannerisms from being around our parents all the time as well. (For example, I picked up the habit of eating sardines from my dad.) So in many ways, without even knowing it, we tend to become more and more like our parents. If we don't watch out, we can become Little Godzillas. And it takes a lot of effort when we're older to undo many of the bad habits from our parents, and to understand how much of our unhappiness is because of parenting mistakes or poor parenting behavior.
If you have a godzilla mother, then you will have to overcome years and years of not just parenting mistakes (which everyone makes), but just really, really shitty parenting. As the name suggests, a high-conflict parent is always filling life with dramas and darkness. They can't allow life to be peaceful and harmonious. They will always complain. All “happy” moments will quickly be followed by intensely negative moments. It's an endless roller-coaster. They are high-strung, neurotic, self-centered, and always turning everything into a catastrophe. They tend to poison everyone around them, spreading their internal darkness to become a dark cloud that covers everyone else, too.
From my own experiences in a relationship with a godzilla mother, their numerous behaviors can be summed up as: bullying, manipulation, and lies - in other words, psychological and physical abuse. And just like Godzilla's fiery laser-breath, a godzilla mother uses her mouth to wreak devastation (yelling, screaming, insults, accusations, lies, and so on.) Their aim is to control you, to use you as an extension of their own insecurities, to use you to get back at other people, and to force upon you their screwed-up way of looking at the world. Their aim is to turn you into a Little Godzilla.
Unfortunately, such a mother will often cause a child to grow up to be insecure, suffer from anxieties, get depressed, to develop a range of self-destructive and unhealthy behaviors, and self-hate. In a way, that's what the godzilla mother actually wants - she wants you to hate yourself as much as she hates herself. She feels the need to make sure everyone else feels her pain. She will try to fuck up everyone around her - not just you - but also including her husbands or boyfriends, which you no doubt will have witnessed. So it's not just you. She will try to destroy the self-esteem of everyone within her “sphere of influence” in the endless and futile quest to feel better about herself.
But don't hate yourself! You just got a bad break in life. Don't take your mother's behavior personally. There's still plenty of time to heal yourself and live a better life, in which you feel good about yourself. We have just our one life to live, so it's best to try to live it as best as possible. It's never too late.
There are many steps in the healing process, and it will take a long time. But with persistence, you will feel better and better. You will become stronger and stronger. Life will become more meaningful and beautiful.
Here are some important steps:
But you can do it. Life is full of beauty, and you deserve better. Never give up!
Or, if you like, you can call such a mother “high-conflict.” “High-conflict” is the polite way of describing such people, like “drama queen” and “attention whore” - but not as good (or as fun) a metaphor like Godzilla.
Being born to a high-conflict mother is a very rough break. It's like being born into a war-torn country. You didn't do anything to deserve that situation, but there you are. It's really tough, because we're all heavily shaped and influenced by our mothers, even before we're born. We unconsciously pick up habits and mannerisms from being around our parents all the time as well. (For example, I picked up the habit of eating sardines from my dad.) So in many ways, without even knowing it, we tend to become more and more like our parents. If we don't watch out, we can become Little Godzillas. And it takes a lot of effort when we're older to undo many of the bad habits from our parents, and to understand how much of our unhappiness is because of parenting mistakes or poor parenting behavior.
If you have a godzilla mother, then you will have to overcome years and years of not just parenting mistakes (which everyone makes), but just really, really shitty parenting. As the name suggests, a high-conflict parent is always filling life with dramas and darkness. They can't allow life to be peaceful and harmonious. They will always complain. All “happy” moments will quickly be followed by intensely negative moments. It's an endless roller-coaster. They are high-strung, neurotic, self-centered, and always turning everything into a catastrophe. They tend to poison everyone around them, spreading their internal darkness to become a dark cloud that covers everyone else, too.
From my own experiences in a relationship with a godzilla mother, their numerous behaviors can be summed up as: bullying, manipulation, and lies - in other words, psychological and physical abuse. And just like Godzilla's fiery laser-breath, a godzilla mother uses her mouth to wreak devastation (yelling, screaming, insults, accusations, lies, and so on.) Their aim is to control you, to use you as an extension of their own insecurities, to use you to get back at other people, and to force upon you their screwed-up way of looking at the world. Their aim is to turn you into a Little Godzilla.
Unfortunately, such a mother will often cause a child to grow up to be insecure, suffer from anxieties, get depressed, to develop a range of self-destructive and unhealthy behaviors, and self-hate. In a way, that's what the godzilla mother actually wants - she wants you to hate yourself as much as she hates herself. She feels the need to make sure everyone else feels her pain. She will try to fuck up everyone around her - not just you - but also including her husbands or boyfriends, which you no doubt will have witnessed. So it's not just you. She will try to destroy the self-esteem of everyone within her “sphere of influence” in the endless and futile quest to feel better about herself.
But don't hate yourself! You just got a bad break in life. Don't take your mother's behavior personally. There's still plenty of time to heal yourself and live a better life, in which you feel good about yourself. We have just our one life to live, so it's best to try to live it as best as possible. It's never too late.
There are many steps in the healing process, and it will take a long time. But with persistence, you will feel better and better. You will become stronger and stronger. Life will become more meaningful and beautiful.
Here are some important steps:
- Distance yourself from your mother. She's toxic, cannot be trusted (as you probably already know), and will lie and manipulate you at every turn, and you will never feel good about yourself or about life while she's around. It's not your job to make her feel better, which is how she used you for all of your life. She likely will never feel good about herself, so don't even try. It's not your job. Distance is the only way you will heal.
- Surround yourself with healthy people and healthy friends. This may be the second most important step. A good social life and support network is the key to a healthy and happy life. Depression is not caused by a “chemical imbalance” (that theory has no merit) but simply by a lack of social support. Do your best to surround yourself with healthy and good-hearted people - and people with a good sense of humor!
- Develop your spiritual practice (not necessarily organized religion.) This is often a major part of all successful healing - and also a key element in how people successfully make it through wilderness survival situations.
- Learn to see the beauty in life.
- Make a habit of identifying what you are grateful for.
- Practice “cognitive reappraisal” - that's a fancy way of saying to re-think how you make sense of the world and yourself. Identify your negative thoughts and find a way to “re-frame” the situation into a different, and more positive interpretation. For example, negative situations can be re-framed to be challenges from which you can grow stronger and become a better person.
- Don't compare yourself or your situation with other people. Everyone is dealt their own set of challenges to overcome. Life is challenging for everyone, just in different ways.
- Avoid alcohol, drugs, and stimulants. These won't help.
- Make sure to spend plenty of time in nature.
- Make sure to get plenty of regular, outdoor exercise.
- Do yoga or tai chi, and some form of meditation.
- Get plenty of sleep.
- Eat a healthy diet, with plenty of meat, saturated fats, and vegetables. Limit sugar, processed foods, and carbs.
- Take up a healthy hobby (such as playing a musical instrument, knitting, art, dance, martial arts/self-defense, archery, bird-watching, etc.)
- Find ways to help others. Volunteer.
- Avoid social media and too much screen time. It will only make feelings of depression and loneliness worse.
- Read and study about high-conflict personalities. Unfortunately, they are very common and your situation is not unique. But it helps to know that other people have gone through similar situations (often remarkably similar) and to learn from their experiences.
- Learn to identify what are healthy behaviors (and practice them) and what are unhealthy behaviors (and avoid them.)
- Reflect on how your mother's poor parenting affected your behavior now. All your issues come from your godzilla mother. Remind yourself that any negative feelings you have towards yourself are not true. They came from your mother and how she treated you. Think about the cause and effect.
- Remind yourself that your mother is full of shit.
- Eventually, one day, you will be able to forgive your mother. She was a shitty parent, probably because her parents were shitty, or because of her own childhood traumas - often both. That's usually where it starts - from deep childhood pain from which she was never able to heal. Forgiving her helps release all that anger you have inside. Being able to forgive will make life much more pleasant for you. Forgiveness is very important. (You'll still want to avoid her, though.)
- Read about a wide range of survival situations and critical setbacks in life in which people came out stronger, wiser, and more positive than before. Such stories can be inspiring.
- Believe in yourself.
- Never give up.
But you can do it. Life is full of beauty, and you deserve better. Never give up!