Joe's Paleo Peace Cake Recipe
Joe Moncarz July 2022
Humans have attempted many different paths to make peace with others. Four million years ago, hominids could make peace with just a grunt. If you think that elaborate international treaties and non-disclosure agreements and divorce settlements are signs of our greater intelligence, you're wrong. What could be smarter than being able to make peace with a grunt? And as many women know, men still frequently attempt the grunt method. After all, it's evolutionary. But life is “very complicated” these days, and a grunt doesn't cut it anymore. You'll have to buy them expensive jewelry, dinner in a fancy restaurant, a new puppy, or even worse, having to go shopping at the mall with them. If you're lucky, you can get away with just giving some flowers. Still, as in everything, simplicity is always better. We should really learn from chimpanzees' ability to make peace by just by picking bugs off each other. (de Waal 1990) But we can't all be chimps. Which brings us to my Paleo Peace Cake.
This recipe is based on my years of personal trial and error of trying many different peacemaking techniques every time a conflict arose, whether at home, with friends, or at work. (Past failed techniques include vacuuming the house, apologizing in a British accent, slipping on a banana peel, giving away some of my Legos, and inventing a time machine.)
You think I'm kidding, but there's actually a long history of cake-giving in attempts to make peace. Sharing acorn cakes was involved in the formation of the Iroquois Confederacy several hundred years ago. Kimchi pancakes were exchanged at the signing of the 1953 Korean Armistice Agreement to end the Korean War. And my paleo peace cake is a modified version of a recipe used by the Americans and Soviets when they were negotiating the START II treaty in 1993 to reduce the number of nuclear missiles. According to Boris Yeltsin in his autobiography, Things I Say When I'm Drunk, they used potato flour instead of hazelnut flour, milk chocolate, and in typical American fashion, an ungodly amount of sugar. (Yeltsin 2001) And we see how long that treaty lasted. It's best to remember that line from the Tao te Ching (my own translation):
Too much sugar in your cake,
And peace you'll never make.
Which brings us to chocolate. If you want lasting peace, use dark chocolate – specifically dark chocolate of 70% strength or more. Recent studies in chocolatology (the study of chocolate) indicate that strong dark chocolate promotes feelings of calm, and well-being, as well as promoting healthy cognitive functioning. (“The Health” 2020; Loma 2018; Shmerling 2017) Chocolate can even reduce aggression. (Hodges 2004) That is, unless you're one of the very unlucky few, for whom chocolate triggers anger and violence. I'm not joking about this, either. (Wenk 2010)
And for goodness sake, stay away from milk chocolate, which will not have any of the same positive effects, because it usually has very little actual cacao in it, has too much sugar (which screws your body and mind), contains milk (which most people cannot even digest), and is an unhealthy, highly-processed product consisting primarily of recycled Goodyear tires. (Lipinski 2003; Putka 2021) Milk chocolate will only make things worse.
Interestingly, I've found that you can also use this recipe to make peace with your pets. If you yell at your cat for leaving a dead mouse on the floor and then feel bad about it, offer a piece of paleo peace cake. The cat will not eat it (they prefer mice, fish and your parakeet) and will not outwardly show any signs of having noticed your gesture, but deep down they will have accepted your apology and allow you to cuddle them again soon after. If you get angry and kick your dog (mistaking it for a soccer ball), you can offer some of this cake, too, but be forewarned that chocolate is poisonous for dogs (they evolved to eat meat) and yet dogs will be so eager to make peace that they'll eat it anyway and suffer later.
Of course, humans did not evolve to eat cake, either, which is why you should only bake this cake for special peacemaking attempts, not just because you farted in the kitchen. For a true paleo cake, remove all the chocolate and sugar, turning it into a nut pancake. (And for a really-true paleo nut cake, forage the nuts and eggs yourself, and if you want to sweeten it, gather honey from an active hive without a bee suit.)
Some people may assume that because the recipe is good for making peace with others, that it can help you find inner peace. Sorry, but no. Inner peace requires self-reflection, humility, and self-discipline. At most, this cake will give you a false sense of inner peace for about four minutes.
I also need to point out that this recipe is only possible while industrial civilization still exists, which will not be for much longer. But don't let that get in the way of making peace. Once civilization has collapsed, our expectations will be very different, so you will still be able to make peace just as effectively by presenting a newly-hunted wild pig, a big bowl of freshly-foraged grubs, or a bar of soap.
And remember, as traditional cultures have always known, to ignore or disregard an offer of peace, whatever it is (whether a Paleo Peace Cake, a unicorn's horn, or a ball of rhinoceros ear wax) is unlucky and may be seen as an insult, possibly leading to greater hostility and conflict. Just like when you visit your in-laws, whatever they serve for dinner, even if it's “vegan pea-protein meatloaf”, just eat it all, ask for seconds, and pretend that you love it, even though we all know you'd rather be eating a bacon-double-burger chased down with a glass of Guinness. (Also only available while civilization lasts.)
Joe's Paleo Peace Cake Recipe:
Directions:
References and Further Reading
Albers, Susan. (2011 October 10). “The 3-Minute Effect of Chocolate.” Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/comfort-cravings/201110/the-3-minute-effect-chocolate
“Children who eat candy and chocolate every day more likely to be violent adults: study.” (2009 October 1). Bloomberg. Retrieved from https://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/children-eat-candy-chocolate-day-violent-adults-study-article-1.379765
de Waal, Frans. (1990). Peacemaking Among Primates. Harvard University Press.
“The Health Benefits of Chocolate for Your Brain May Include Memory & Mood Improvement.” (2020 July 15). University Health News Daily. Retrieved from https://universityhealthnews.com/daily/memory/2-chocolate-benefits-for-your-brain-improves-memory-and-mood/
Hodges, Tim. (2004 August 3). “Chocolate — a new way to prevent a bar brawl.” Retrieved from https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna5591440
Jackson, Sarah, Smith, Lee, Firth, Joseph, et al. (2019 July 29). “Is there a relationship between chocolate consumption and symptoms of depression? A cross-sectional survey of 13,626 US adults.” Depress Anxiety. Retrieved from https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31356717/
Lipinski, Lori. (2003 July 7). “Milk: It Does a Body Good?” Weston A. Price Foundation. Retrieved from https://www.westonaprice.org/health-topics/making-it-practical/milk-it-does-a-body-good/
Loma Linda University Adventist Health Sciences Center. (2018 April 24). “Dark chocolate consumption reduces stress and inflammation.” ScienceDaily. Retrieved from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/04/180424133628.htm
Onusic, Sylvia. (2013 April 22). “Violent Behavior: A Solution in Plain Sight.” Weston A. Price Foundation. Retrieved from https://www.westonaprice.org/health-topics/environmental-toxins/violent-behavior-a-solution-in-plain-sight/
Putka, Sophie. (2021 January 26). “Is Milk Bad for You? Here's What the Science Says.” Discover. Retrieved from https://www.discovermagazine.com/health/is-milk-bad-for-you-heres-what-the-science-says
Shmerling, Robert. (2017 August 16). “Your Brain on Chocolate.” Harvard Health Publishing. Retrieved from https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/your-brain-on-chocolate-2017081612179
Wenk, Gary. (2010 November 10). “Chocolate: The Good, the Bad and the Angry.” Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-brain-food/201011/chocolate-the-good-the-bad-and-the-angry
Yeltsin, Boris. (2001). Things I Say When I'm Drunk. St. Petersburg Press.
This recipe is based on my years of personal trial and error of trying many different peacemaking techniques every time a conflict arose, whether at home, with friends, or at work. (Past failed techniques include vacuuming the house, apologizing in a British accent, slipping on a banana peel, giving away some of my Legos, and inventing a time machine.)
You think I'm kidding, but there's actually a long history of cake-giving in attempts to make peace. Sharing acorn cakes was involved in the formation of the Iroquois Confederacy several hundred years ago. Kimchi pancakes were exchanged at the signing of the 1953 Korean Armistice Agreement to end the Korean War. And my paleo peace cake is a modified version of a recipe used by the Americans and Soviets when they were negotiating the START II treaty in 1993 to reduce the number of nuclear missiles. According to Boris Yeltsin in his autobiography, Things I Say When I'm Drunk, they used potato flour instead of hazelnut flour, milk chocolate, and in typical American fashion, an ungodly amount of sugar. (Yeltsin 2001) And we see how long that treaty lasted. It's best to remember that line from the Tao te Ching (my own translation):
Too much sugar in your cake,
And peace you'll never make.
Which brings us to chocolate. If you want lasting peace, use dark chocolate – specifically dark chocolate of 70% strength or more. Recent studies in chocolatology (the study of chocolate) indicate that strong dark chocolate promotes feelings of calm, and well-being, as well as promoting healthy cognitive functioning. (“The Health” 2020; Loma 2018; Shmerling 2017) Chocolate can even reduce aggression. (Hodges 2004) That is, unless you're one of the very unlucky few, for whom chocolate triggers anger and violence. I'm not joking about this, either. (Wenk 2010)
And for goodness sake, stay away from milk chocolate, which will not have any of the same positive effects, because it usually has very little actual cacao in it, has too much sugar (which screws your body and mind), contains milk (which most people cannot even digest), and is an unhealthy, highly-processed product consisting primarily of recycled Goodyear tires. (Lipinski 2003; Putka 2021) Milk chocolate will only make things worse.
Interestingly, I've found that you can also use this recipe to make peace with your pets. If you yell at your cat for leaving a dead mouse on the floor and then feel bad about it, offer a piece of paleo peace cake. The cat will not eat it (they prefer mice, fish and your parakeet) and will not outwardly show any signs of having noticed your gesture, but deep down they will have accepted your apology and allow you to cuddle them again soon after. If you get angry and kick your dog (mistaking it for a soccer ball), you can offer some of this cake, too, but be forewarned that chocolate is poisonous for dogs (they evolved to eat meat) and yet dogs will be so eager to make peace that they'll eat it anyway and suffer later.
Of course, humans did not evolve to eat cake, either, which is why you should only bake this cake for special peacemaking attempts, not just because you farted in the kitchen. For a true paleo cake, remove all the chocolate and sugar, turning it into a nut pancake. (And for a really-true paleo nut cake, forage the nuts and eggs yourself, and if you want to sweeten it, gather honey from an active hive without a bee suit.)
Some people may assume that because the recipe is good for making peace with others, that it can help you find inner peace. Sorry, but no. Inner peace requires self-reflection, humility, and self-discipline. At most, this cake will give you a false sense of inner peace for about four minutes.
I also need to point out that this recipe is only possible while industrial civilization still exists, which will not be for much longer. But don't let that get in the way of making peace. Once civilization has collapsed, our expectations will be very different, so you will still be able to make peace just as effectively by presenting a newly-hunted wild pig, a big bowl of freshly-foraged grubs, or a bar of soap.
And remember, as traditional cultures have always known, to ignore or disregard an offer of peace, whatever it is (whether a Paleo Peace Cake, a unicorn's horn, or a ball of rhinoceros ear wax) is unlucky and may be seen as an insult, possibly leading to greater hostility and conflict. Just like when you visit your in-laws, whatever they serve for dinner, even if it's “vegan pea-protein meatloaf”, just eat it all, ask for seconds, and pretend that you love it, even though we all know you'd rather be eating a bacon-double-burger chased down with a glass of Guinness. (Also only available while civilization lasts.)
Joe's Paleo Peace Cake Recipe:
- 3 cups hazelnut flour (or almond flour/meal)
- 1 cup coconut sugar
- 4-5 heaping tablespoons cacao powder
- 125g 70% dark chocolate block
- 2/3 tspn baking powder
- 2/3 tspn baking soda
- 6 large chicken eggs (or if foraging eggs from other species, the equivalent would be: 4 duck eggs, 23 quail eggs, 1 penguin egg, ½ ostrich egg, 2 platypus eggs, 1-2 million fish eggs, or 1/20th of a rhinoceros egg)
- 1 cup extra virgin coconut oil
Directions:
- Preheat the oven to 180 C
- Grease the baking tray with a little melted coconut oil
- Melt the coconut oil and dark chocolate together on very low heat
- Mix the flour, cacao powder, baking soda, and baking powder in one bowl
- In a separate bowl, mix the eggs, sugar
- Combine the two bowls and mix well.
- Add in roughly half of the melted coconut oil/dark chocolate and mix well
- Pour into the baking tray and place in the oven
- Bake 180C 25-30 min
- While it's baking, use your finger to wipe the bowl clean, then lick your fingers, while thinking about the end of civilization
- After the cake is baked, remove from the oven and pour the rest of the melted coconut oil/dark chocolate over the top.
- Let cool
- Make sure to wash the dishes so that you don't start a new conflict
References and Further Reading
Albers, Susan. (2011 October 10). “The 3-Minute Effect of Chocolate.” Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/comfort-cravings/201110/the-3-minute-effect-chocolate
“Children who eat candy and chocolate every day more likely to be violent adults: study.” (2009 October 1). Bloomberg. Retrieved from https://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/children-eat-candy-chocolate-day-violent-adults-study-article-1.379765
de Waal, Frans. (1990). Peacemaking Among Primates. Harvard University Press.
“The Health Benefits of Chocolate for Your Brain May Include Memory & Mood Improvement.” (2020 July 15). University Health News Daily. Retrieved from https://universityhealthnews.com/daily/memory/2-chocolate-benefits-for-your-brain-improves-memory-and-mood/
Hodges, Tim. (2004 August 3). “Chocolate — a new way to prevent a bar brawl.” Retrieved from https://www.nbcnews.com/id/wbna5591440
Jackson, Sarah, Smith, Lee, Firth, Joseph, et al. (2019 July 29). “Is there a relationship between chocolate consumption and symptoms of depression? A cross-sectional survey of 13,626 US adults.” Depress Anxiety. Retrieved from https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31356717/
Lipinski, Lori. (2003 July 7). “Milk: It Does a Body Good?” Weston A. Price Foundation. Retrieved from https://www.westonaprice.org/health-topics/making-it-practical/milk-it-does-a-body-good/
Loma Linda University Adventist Health Sciences Center. (2018 April 24). “Dark chocolate consumption reduces stress and inflammation.” ScienceDaily. Retrieved from www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2018/04/180424133628.htm
Onusic, Sylvia. (2013 April 22). “Violent Behavior: A Solution in Plain Sight.” Weston A. Price Foundation. Retrieved from https://www.westonaprice.org/health-topics/environmental-toxins/violent-behavior-a-solution-in-plain-sight/
Putka, Sophie. (2021 January 26). “Is Milk Bad for You? Here's What the Science Says.” Discover. Retrieved from https://www.discovermagazine.com/health/is-milk-bad-for-you-heres-what-the-science-says
Shmerling, Robert. (2017 August 16). “Your Brain on Chocolate.” Harvard Health Publishing. Retrieved from https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/your-brain-on-chocolate-2017081612179
Wenk, Gary. (2010 November 10). “Chocolate: The Good, the Bad and the Angry.” Psychology Today. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/your-brain-food/201011/chocolate-the-good-the-bad-and-the-angry
Yeltsin, Boris. (2001). Things I Say When I'm Drunk. St. Petersburg Press.